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Thursday, March 31, 2011

Wishcasting: Brave

Wishcasting badgeIt's Wishcasting Wednesday so the gorgeous soul Jamie Ridler is inviting us to cast our wishes into the universe and support others' wishes. Today Jamie asks, "How do you wish to be brave?"

I wish to be brave in my spiritual growth. My footing is often unsure in this area. I'm learning to trust and have faith, but that can be a hard thing to do. I'm trying to hear what God wants to tell me and follow His lead.

Writing any mentions of religion in such a public way is epically scary, particularly when I'm still figuring out what I believe.

This is why I wish for bravery. To be brave enough to continue this journey, learn what I need to learn, and, if so inclined, be able to share my experience.

Finding Time to Write

I'm having a really hard time writing these days. I have ideas that never come to fruition because I can't capture them as they come to me like I used to.

With a newborn at home I rarely get spans of time to let my muse run wild. If I think I have some time, often sleeping wins over writing. I'm so dang tired I can't concentrate sometimes. My last few blog posts and journal entries have been written in fits and starts between caring for Jonas.

So this post is really a question. How do you find time for your creative endeavors with little ones at home taking all your energy? Goddess Leonie, if you can hear me, maybe you have ideas?! Anyone? Bueller?

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Good Mom Bad Mom

Last week I had one of those good mom days. It was the kind of day where baby Jonas and I were clicking. We were working in rhythm. I was prepared for whatever might arise- feeding, changing, snuggle time, tummy time, you name it.

For example, during a visit to my doctor, Jonas started to fuss just as they were bringing me back to the exam room, but it was okay. I had all the fixings for formula and figured I could feed him while waiting for the doctor to come in.

Upon hearing his fussing, the nurse asked me if I needed to nurse. Now you have to understand, I'm not one to breastfeed in public. I have enough trouble doing so at home with my family present even though I have a cover for just that purpose.

Anyhow, that day when the nurse asked, I decided to go for it. It was a doctor's office after all. Nothing they haven't seen before. Once back in the exam room, while the nurse asked me questions with her back turned to me, I breastfed my baby like a pro.

It was an I-rock-at-mommyhood kind of day.

Fast forward to this week. Jonas has been fussy the last few days and sleeping only in short stretches, all of which translates to my being fussy and not sleeping well. We've both been cranky.

Because of that crankiness, on Monday I snapped at my stepson after school over nothing important. Badly. He took it in stride and graciously accepted my apology later.

Bad mom.

Yesterday after one of Jonas' feedings, I finally remembered to consult the infant feeding chart as my husband has asked me to do for a couple of weeks. As it turns out I haven't been feeding Jonas properly for his age.

He is supposed to be eating twice as much per serving in half as many feedings. I've still had him on the eat small and often plan prescribed for the first month. Meanwhile he was supposed to have graduated to bigger and fewer feedings. No wonder he has been fussy and waking up so quickly. The poor little guy has probably been hungry!

Bad mom!

Today is a better day. We are working on bigger feedings and Jonas has been happy for most of the day. Maybe today will turn out to be a good mom day. We'll just have to wait and see.

I knew going in that I wouldn't be a perfect mother. I knew I wouldn't have all the answers. I'm just happy I have good mom days to balance out the bad ones.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Breaking Up With Kathie Lee

It's true. I've broken up with Kathie Lee Gifford. Sorry, but I never cared for her much anyhow.

You see, with baby Jonas occupying all of my time now (and I mean ALL), I've been spending a ton of time on the couch. Ellen DeGeneres has been great company, but the rest of the day television gets old very quickly.

So I've begun braving the world with the baby in tow. Read more in my post at WorkingMother.com.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Time to Live

I've been thinking about time a lot lately, mostly in the "where does it go" sense. My days are packed with caring for my baby and seemingly void of time for myself and others. But I wonder if that is my reality or merely a choice. I don't know the answer.

I know that I've been grieving the loss of my time- the time I used to spend reading or writing or getting things done. I know also that I should be present in the moment- that I should focus on the here and now, not on what I need to get to next. I try, but it's not easy to embrace the moment when I keep thinking I really need to do the laundry before I run out of clothes to wear or I really want to write but I don't know how long I have before the baby wakes again.

While sneaking in a few pages of reading One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are by Ann Voskamp, I came across this:
...in the beep and blink of the twenty-first century, with its "live in the moment" buzz phrase that none of the whirl-weary seem to know how to do, who actually knows how to take time and live with soul and body and God all in sync? (page 67)
Ann poignantly encapsules how I feel in this busy world, especially now where my time is no longer my own. In fact, this is what I explore in my blog. This is what Life After Web is all about.

Ann goes on to say something that drove right to my core: "I just want time to do my one life well." (page 68)

Yes! Time to do my one life well. To give up my preconceptions about what I should be doing, what I'm not doing. To know that I am on the right path. My life is different now then it was just 5 weeks ago and that's okay. I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing right now. If I can remember that, there is enough time for me to do this one life well.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

The Difference a Few Seconds Can Make

There are moments when I look at baby Jonas with his wide-eyed wonder or his happy dream face and I get lost. For a few seconds there is nothing else. No people, no world, no clutter, no responsibilities, no worries. There is only him and me. Only infinite possibility. Only here and now.

In these few seconds I can't imagine being anywhere else. My stomach fills with butterflies, my heart with joy. Those few seconds make sleepless nights and fussy spells a distant memory. Those few seconds bring only hope, dreams, wishes, and wonder.

How lucky I am for moments like these.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Welcoming Jonas to Working Mother

This is just a quick post to let you know I finally wrote a new post for the Working Mother Mom Blogs. In it, I welcome Jonas and talk about some of the trickier aspects of having a newborn. Check it out here.

Wishcasting: Sharing Gifts

Wishcasting badgeIt's Wishcasting Wednesday so the gorgeous soul Jamie Ridler is inviting us to cast our wishes into the universe and support others' wishes. Today Jamie asks, "What gifts do you wish to share?"

I wish to share kindness and encouragement. I believe that small things like smiling at someone, saying hello, asking how they are and really listening to the answer can make a big impact on their day.

I have been the recipient of kind acts in the past few weeks because of our new baby's arrival. A couple of friends have offered to pick things up at the store for us. We haven't taken them up on these generous offers, but the fact that they asked warms my heart.

A couple nights ago there was a knock on our door. A couple that we are friends with dropped off a giant salad, a tray of vodka rigatoni, garlic bread, and homemade banana bread and sponge cake. The woman had been cooking all afternoon so that we wouldn't have to. She said she knows how hard it can be to cook with a baby keeping us busy.

I'm lucky to know such kind people. I want to share kindness and encouragement with others. Simple gifts of paying attention to others and pitching in where possible... those are the gifts worth giving.

What gifts do you wish to share?

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

One Month Old Already?

I can't believe it. My little munchkin is already one month old. One whole month!






He's grown by more than a pound in weight and by one inch in length. When I look at pictures of him from his birth and compare them to how he looks now... well, he looks huge! Seeing him all day every day, I don't notice the subtle changes, but comparing photos makes it all painfully obvious. I feel like I missed out on baby time already.



I have also changed in this first month. My body is beginning to recover, so I can once again do seemingly trivial things like go up and down stairs. As many mothers have experienced, I have lost a lot of time for myself. I don't get to read or write very often at all, but more importantly even showering has become a rushed event at whatever time of day I can squeeze it in.



Another thing I've learned about myself is I have much more patience than I ever imagined. The patience I exhibit with Jonas during fussy spells surprises both me and my husband. I'm hoping it will carry through to other aspects of life as well. What an amazing gift patience is.



Jonas' first month has been quick, happy, trying, and filled with lessons for both of us. He is beautiful. He is also waking up, so away I go!