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Him: What is this?

Me: A lens ball.

Him: What is it for?

Me: Turning your face upside down.

My friend gave me this present for Christmas. I had no idea what it was. This is from my first photo shoot with the lens ball.

Settings:
Fujifilm X-T100
Aperture f/4.5
Shutter speed 1/110 sec.
ISO 400


The Awakening Photographer

I re-read The Awakening last week. It is my third time. This time around I loved stumbling across sentences I had underlined in the past and recognizing why I had chosen those particular passages. I added some new underlines, too.

The cover of my copy (a Barnes & Noble Classics mass market paperback edition) is printed with soft pastels. A woman holds onto her straw hat while gazing at the ocean. I didn't have an ocean on hand, but I did have the hat, and so I staged this self-portrait.

This year I have promised myself more time with my camera. This photograph has me so excited to do just that.

Equipment and Settings:
Fujifilm X-T100
Tripod and 10-second timer
Aperture f/4.7
Shutter speed 1/3 sec
ISO 400


Confirm Your Humanity

I type my email address into the box and click. Another screen pops up: “Confirm your humanity.” I check a box and it is done. Humanity confirmed. But I wonder what am I doing in my life today to confirm my humanity?

Making Home Feel More Like My Home

My home is my haven. My safe space. A warm place. The place where I can always return no matter what is going on around me.

I wasn’t sure how I felt about this home when we first met. But we’ve been through a lot together now, and we have become comfortable with each other.

Something is still missing, though. I think I figured out what it is. It is missing the next evolution of me. It has the function that I love, and the decor does what it needs to -- no more, no less. And yet, this space is generic enough that it could belong to almost anyone.

But it doesn’t belong to anyone. It belongs to me. So, one of my goals for this year will be to make it more me.

When I first moved in, the room colors left by the previous tenants were not right for me. I had the walls covered over in a perfectly blank-canvas shade of off-white. My life was starting over, and I decided this house should start over with me.

We survived the restarting, this house and I. We’re off and running. We’ve built good f…

What It’s Really Like to Have Anxiety

“People who need help sometimes look a lot like people who don’t need help.” -Glennon Doyle
I can’t say with any certainty that I am viewed as having it all together. I have, however, been complimented for my ability to remain calm or to calm others. In my days as a project manager, it was a strength often highlighted in my performance reviews. One supervisor actually used to mistake my calm attitude for a lack of understanding the urgency of the issue, until he learned I very much understand the urgency, but can’t address it if I get frantic.

During my application process to become a Hospice volunteer, the coordinator told me after speaking to my three references that she had never seen a single word used so consistently to describe someone. What word is that, I asked. “Calm. Every single person commented on how calm you are.”

Calm. That is a marvelous state.

Imagine how it must feel to be known for being calm and to hold a diagnosis of anxiety. It sometimes feels that my entire sel…

When You Can’t Unsee

Some things once seen, can’t be unseen.
Some things once known, can’t be unknown.
It is wise, then, to be cautious
of what one comes to see and know.
Once the eyes are open,
and the heart is broken,
all that remains is to act.

Don't Wait

We spend our lives
waiting.
Waiting in line,
at traffic lights,
for the bus or train to come,
for our big break.
We wait to be loved,
to be accepted,
to be allowed.
We wait for help,
for guidance,
for the right time.
We wait for our turn.
When will it be my turn?

Don’t.
Don’t wait for the right time.
The right time is now.
Right now.
Don’t wait for guidance.
Seek guidance,
and when you find it,
share it with others.
Don’t wait for help.
Offer help.
Don’t wait to be allowed.
Allow yourself
to be where you are
and to do what you need to do.
Don’t wait to be accepted.
Accept yourself.
Accept others.
Accept God and His goodness,
or the universe and its magic,
or whatever it is you believe that brings you to your knees.
Don’t wait to be loved.
Show love.

Right now, show love.