I am Suzanne. (I'm not, really. Suzanne is not my name. This will make a lot more sense if you read Glennon's post at Momastery.)
But that's what I said to myself in the Target parking lot. Then I giggled. (Okay, I know you're busy, so if you didn't read Glennon's post - and you still should - the short version is that she spent all summer saying, "I am so zen," and her daughter spent all summer thinking her mom was saying, "I am Suzanne.")
So yes, it was a rough Target day.
We were running out of household things like toilet paper and shampoo and, on top of that, we had a birthday party for our friend's two-year-old for which we needed a gift and a card.
No problem. A quick trip to Target can solve all of that in one fell swoop.
Unless you have a two-and-a-half-year-old, whose new favorite word is "mind!" (He means "mine," but whatever.)
It started simply enough. Down the pet aisle for cat food and litter.
Toddler: "We need dog food."
Me: "No, we don't, sweetie. We don't have a dog."
Nearby Stranger: (laughs)
Toddler: "We need cat soap."
Me: "No, we don't need cat soap. I don't even know what that means. Is that a thing?"
I hereby acknowledge that I never bathe my cat. He seems to clean himself just fine. Anyhow, we moved on to birthday cards.
Toddler: "Let ME have that truck card."
Me: "No, this card is for Cole. It's Cole's birthday."
Toddler: "Let's get Jonas a birthday card." (Jonas being my toddler's name.)
Our next stop was for razor blades. Now, let me just say that I'm fairly certain the razor people are mocking me. Here's why.
Since 1990-something until about two years ago, I had a Gillette Sensor. Or Sensor Excel. Or something like that. The handle was wide and flat and the blades had two... um... blades. You know, a two-bladed razor blade.
Anyhow, I loved that razor. About two years ago I began having a really hard time finding blade refills. Since then I've tried a lot of different razors and haven't found one I've liked as much, aside from which now they all seem to have 5 blades and that just seems like overkill to me. (I mean, really. That's more than double the blades I used for 25 years and I never had any problems.)
I was out of blades for my razor as of my last Target visit (a little over a month ago). At that time, I wandered the aisle looking at all of the razors and grabbing the Gillette Venus refills because they looked right.
When I got home, however, it turned out I had a Bic Soleil. Target is kind of a long drive from where I live so I hadn't gotten around to returning the Venus blades and I long since lost the receipt. Before leaving for Target this time, I relegated the Venus blades refill to my future donation pile.
Once again I was in the razor aisle looking for Bic Soleil refills. There weren't any. But up in the very top corner, hung one lonely little box of Sensor Excel blades. Mocking me. Because they don't sell that razor anymore and I threw mine out two years ago when I couldn't find blades.
Now they don't have the razor I like, but they have refills. They don't have refills for the razor I have. And I have a box of refills at home that don't match my current razor.
I huffed at the razor gods before grabbing a Venus razor to go with the blades I then had to remove from the donation pile.
Well played, Gillette.
From there the toddler took over the cart declaring "mind!" He refused to let me touch it, let alone steer it, so we moved at toddler speed narrowly dodging shelves until we reached the back of the store where toys are.
Of course, my toddler picked this moment to be very toddler-ish and started grabbing every Planes toy he could find and putting them in the cart. I'd pull one out, he'd put another in.
By the time I finally got him to the aisle we needed for his friend's birthday present, I was worn out and my son was on the verge of a meltdown.
I stood in the aisle unable to think of what Cole would like or need that he didn't already have. Jonas left the aisle twice. I chased him twice. Brought him back twice.
In that moment, I realized that I was probably overthinking the whole gift-for-a-two-year-old thing. (Sorry, Cole's mom. I adore you and him. You know that. I'm also hoping you understand desperation in the moment.) So I grabbed a toy school bus because Jonas liked it, so maybe Cole would, too.
When we finally made it up to the register, I unloaded the cart to find a stowaway Little Mermaid sippy cup. It's funny how things magically end up in your cart without you seeing.
So, I asked the cashier to set it aside, paid, and got the heck out (all to the remarkably repeated tune of "I want cookies now!").
And that, my friends, is why I sat in the parking lot saying, "I am Suzanne." Then laughing.
Thank you, Glennon Doyle Melton (and Amma), for this phrase which turned my whole day around.
By the way, when I got home I realized I had forgotten to buy wrapping paper or a gift bag, so I used what I had: Christmas paper. For a birthday in September.
Hello, mom-of-the-year award. Aren't you shiny.