I'm feeling debilitated. It's been a tough few weeks for health here. Nothing major or serious, so I feel bad even talking about it because I know there are far worse struggles out there. Even still, we're allowed to be frustrated with setbacks and small things and that's where I am.
It started three weeks ago with the flu. For a full week I spent much of my time on the couch (not all because, let's face it, I'm still a mom even when I'm sick). My husband got it the day after me and also spent much of that time on the couch.
For me it started on a Sunday and I was thinking, "surely by mid-week I'll feel a little better." Wednesday rolled around and it turned into, "certainly by the weekend I'll be on my way back to healthy." Then Sunday rolled around again and I was back on the couch.
Finally I started to round the corner. I was getting my energy back and just about felt like myself again when I started having lower back pain.
Back pain isn't something I'm used to. It certainly happens from time to time, but can be healed with some stretching or, if it's bad, with a visit to the chiropractor.
For the past week my back has intermittently hurt like crazy, then felt okay, until this weekend when it became more frequent. Two nights ago I had trouble sleeping and kept waking from the pain. I don't think that's ever happened to me.
So yesterday morning I called the chiropractor and sort of expected to walk out of there feeling like a new woman as usual. He did his thing then said, "Come back Wednesday. This is going to take some time."
I walked out not much better than I walked in. As I walked to my car and struggled to lift my three-year-old into his car seat, I felt defeated. Defeated and debilitated.
Again, I realize in the big scheme of things, these are minor ailments. It's just that it's been three full weeks now of not having my normal health, energy level, and range of movement. It's making it difficult to keep up with daily life.
I'm beginning to wonder if it's all a reminder to slow down. In fact, last week I pulled the Turtle card from my Motherhood Wisdom deck. Turtle represents slowing down, focusing on one thing at a time, and grounding yourself.
After looking at that card for the past 4 or 5 days I decided yesterday to reshuffle the deck and pull a new card. You know what? I got Turtle again. (And I shuffled really well... in multiple ways. That sucker just really wanted to be found.)
With the flu, I had to get by with doing a minimum of activity so each one had a purpose (mostly related to basic nourishment). Now with this back pain, I'm moving slowly and deliberately because one wrong twist or bend makes my entire body revolt in pain.
So I'm working on slowing down. I'm trying to stay focused and resist the urge to hop up and multi-task.
I'm trying to shift from debilitated to deliberate. But really, I just want to feel like me again.